Hi, my name is Mama, and I'm fat

I have a friend whom I haven't seen in 22 years. She is coming to Texas to visit her family and hopefully we will be able to get together along with a few other friends from the grand old 80's.

Last night, as I closed my eyes for the day, it occurred to me that I am 22 years older than I used to be, several pounds heavier and a few wrinkles past 16. Egads!

In my mind we are in suspended animation, hair teased as high as possible, slouch socks and Ked's on our feet- Bruce Springsteen and Wham! are still playing on the radio. We sit by the boom-box and smack 'record' on the cassette tape deck as soon as the DJ stops talking over our favorite song. And the biggest cares in the world we have are who kissed whom, who will get their drivers license first, and if our parents will let us hang out at the mall- alone.

Through this great gadget called the internet, I have seen what she looks like now....the same. Oh, the laugh lines are deeper, and life has put more concern in her eyes, but outwardly, she hasn't changed much. I have. And she is coming in a week. With her husband. No time to lose 40 pounds. Hormones are wreaking havoc on my hair lately, it's in a perpetual state of ick. And my wardrobe is 'laundry day' chic.

This has made me realize how much I have let myself go. It's bad. I have been chalking it up to the kids, the business, lack of structure to our hectic schedules and that I am too busy to be fashionable and in shape. But she and another friend I will see both have 2 kids, jobs and lives. So what's the deal? Laziness somedays. Lack of pride in myself, others. Putting myself last, for sure.

So, I will go shopping for a cute outfit, if one can be found in the size 'yuck'. I will work on the hair. I will start writing down what I eat every moment, and we will see. I secretly would like to set a goal of walking in the 60 mile Breast cancer 3-Day, but I am afraid of failing. I am afraid of having to work that hard. I am afraid of leaving this fat, but familiar and comfortable body behind.

I feel great when I am thinner, no doubt. I feel more confident and prettier. I like how my husband looks at me then. So why can't I get motivated to do it? I don't know. There are all kinds of excuses that come to mind, but are any of them reasonable? I watch Biggest Loser, and I know that no excuse is a good one. I sure wish Jillian lived with me.

Sigh. Enough pity party for me. In a week I will see the faces of a wonderful time in my life and I will love seeing them. Fat or not. Meanwhile, I will go find my spiral, write down the cinnamon roll I had for breakfast, weigh myself and write it down, and go work on my hair.

I will update on my progress later.